How have I offended Thee?

I couldn't sleep in my king-sized bed with feather mattress. In bed by 9:30ish, after shrimp and grits and a single wheat beer, and I watched the digital alarm clock hit 10. Then 11. Am I so unused to fresh-smelling sheets? Or having enough blankets? (Was my sweet Baloo -- all snoring and snuffling and sweating -- too far away?)

I finally dropped off -- with restless dreams of Passaic and Parsippany in my head -- still hoping for the previously mentioned eight hours...and then a goddamn alarm went off at 5 a.m.! Not in my room. Oh no, it was much more mysterious than that. At 5:15, I called the front desk and demanded they check out the fitness center next door. (A mocking treadmill! I know it!)

At 5:25, I called again and suggested they broaden their search. (The midnight shift shows no initative.) At 5:35, it stopped. And then, ten minutes later, just as I breathed a sigh of sleepiness, Sherlock Holmes jolted me awake with a call to let me know he had found the errant alarm two floors above my room. So proud! So irritating! I actually got less sleep than I do at home with two crazy babies, a 3-year-old still mastering the diaperless night, and a snoring bear of a husband.

My morning with the detectives? Very illuminative. Very disturbing. It ended with a series of close-up color photographs of bloody teenage corpses. Ugh. (And still I ordered a Thai-style steak at the Tick-Tock Diner afterward...)

Word to the wise: Gang members do not wear colors anymore. They wear regular baseball caps. Like the Chicago Bulls. And, if you see a kid walking around with their pants pocket pulled inside out, you should be very careful.

Yo.