From the desk of Christopher Kimball

To: Cook's Illustrated Staff
From: Christopher Kimball, Editor

Re: "Quick Tips"

Dear Staff,

As I sit here at my desk, thinking about my neighbor Jack, who just celebrated his 90th birthday and still chops his own wood, tends his own chickens, and kills winter otter with his bare hands, using a technique perfected in the Vermont Revolutionary Guard, I am flipping through the pages of our publication.

I am not happy.

Who is Linda Moore of Richmond, Va., and why are we sharing her lame-brained tip with our readers? Ms. Moore tells us that when her oven is full, she roasts her garlic in... a toaster oven! (Fellow patriots, this is why the South lost.) My mother, who could bake an heirloom apple pie with a magnifying glass, used to roast garlic in the toilet, employing a single piece of tin foil and a cloth diaper.

And poor Olga of Baltimore, who can not find a spatula to flip cookies. She uses a metal cheese slicer. And frankly, I am not impressed. My cousin's handyman used to fix his leaky pipes with a cheese slicer and a single block of unpasteurized, white Cheddar. Now that was a thing to behold.

Please, let us raise our standards.

Yours, in snow and seriousness,

Kimball.

P.S. I have a letter here from a "Mary Ellen of Arlington" who claims to use strings of empty Chickarina cans to cage wild raccoons. Now that is an inspiration! Let's get her on staff. Immediately.