"But where do you buy people?"

"I want a new family," Lucy announces.

"Well, mostly it's the babies," she reflects.

"They are BAAAAD!"

"Remember when they put my undies in the potty and doughnuts in my bed?"

Personal Challenge #1

Months ago, I told David, "This is the summer that I do not buy a bathing suit from Lands End!" This is the summer, I promised, that I would actually go into a store, a real store! And TRY ONE ON.

Nothing against Lands End bathing suits. I've been at the hippy pool in Hyattsville with mommy friends who rock those halter tops, baby. But, you know, the virtual model is only so good.

Actually, my virtual model is quite good.


But why does she look so... roundish?

Anyway, as with most personal challenges where I do the judging, I can cross this one off. Done! Good job! I have not bought a bathing suit from Lands End...

I bought one from athleta.com instead! And I swear, it's going to be completely different! In terms of aspirational internet buying, I feel like I've hit the jackpot. (Which will be handy since Athleta's suits are twice as expensive...) These ladies surf! They wear ponytails and yoga prints! They probably don't go to the regional park with a backpack full of mini-Ritz that they try desperately to hide from the teenager lifeguard.

See?



A much preferred likeness, I say.

Back to neurotic analysis

Candidate 4.0 asked to reschedule our phone interview yesterday because she had a party to attend. Okay... But then today, at the hour of her choice, she had a "headache" and canceled again.

Hmmmm.

4.0 and onward

The problem with a vegetarian, I realized, as I was running this morning and listening to that song that goes, "Tell your boyfriend, if he's got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I'm not fucking scared of him," (what a good line!) is that they probably have too many principles to work in our house, where such strongly held opinions -- I don't eat meat, I'm acting the change I want to see in the world, I believe marriage is a Holy Sacrament between a man and woman who, by the way, of course should change her name -- would really just get in the way.

In fact, I do not know any vegetarians who oppose gay marriage.

Let's see, Candidate 4.0: Austrian. Lives on a farm with ruminants, which she happily eats. Hopes to become a social worker. Plays volleyball. (Aha! I played volleyball 22 years ago!!! And I had a wicked serve!)

Lovely! Enough neurotic analysis. Let's just say yes, shall we? and get on with it already. (And that, my friends, is exactly how I approached marriage six years ago. Well, more or less. No, no, not at all, honey!!! You know this blog is full of lies!!)

Ruminants, for those of you who know nothing about the creatures that you turn into tacos, are animals with multiple stomachs. Like cows. Or sheep. They could also be defined by their dim wit.

What else? The kiddos are good. Josephine is peeing and pooping on the potty quite regularly! Margaret has no NO interest in it, thank you, but noooooo. buhbye. Josephine also likes to look in Margaret's diaper, while I'm changing it -- "Poopy? I wanna see!" Which outrages Margaret's sensibilities -- "Noooo, Joshie!" and she gives an angry one-handed wave around her nether-regions. "Ooooh, daddy poopy! Yucky!" Josephine shouts. "NO!" outraged Margaret shouts back.

What? Daddy poopy? I have no idea...

Josephine has a new game too -- in the morning, she crawls under our sheets (oh sheets, can you please change yourselves??) and then WOOF WOOF! "Oh no! Is there a doggie in the bed??" Giggle giggle. "WOOF! WOOF!" And then she comes bounding out, looking a little like a Bichon with curls in her eyes, giggling madly. For her part, Margaret has less energy in the early morning. She likes to cuddle in my armpit, blanket pulled up to her chin like a big girl.

Margaret really wants to sleep in Lucy's bed. With her. I am toying with the idea of getting a twin over double bunk bed for the babies' room, so that all the girls can sleep together. Trouble?? Hm.

Cell phone: Missing, but back!

Running: Not bad. Twentieth-year high school reunion providing some incentive. Plus new Sean Kingston song.

Rats: Holes filled! Undisturbed! Could it be??

Naughty children alert: Held my tongue at the playground last weekend when a little ninja boy started waving his arms and jumping around the sand pit. (Oh no! Sand pits! New study by alarmist researchers shows they have 5,400 germs per square inch!!) "Those are mine! All mine!" he says, pointing frantically to the SEVEN bulldozers within reach. And then: "I am a mean guy!" he shouts.

Weekend trips: Photos to come!!

1, 2, 3...

Candidate 2.0: A vegetarian.

Candidate 3.0: A dental hygienist.

And seriously, which is worse? We summarily (well, not that summarily) dismissed the veggie, even though she sang! Jogged! Did crafts! Because we do like our meat. At least a few times a week anyway. BACON! We eat bacon every week! The smell fills the house and rousts our current au pair from bed.

And yes, of course, she could have cooked her own food...but it hurts my feelings when people don't eat MY food. And I like it when everybody eats dinner together. Then I can keep my eyes on everything... [We're not CRAZY about meat, okay? This week we will eat salmon, white clam sauce, two-bean pie and pot roast. Technically, because seriously, clams have no rights, people, and salmon only slightly more, that's only one meat dish. But it was pretty meaty. Says Lucy: "I like everything on this plate tonight!"]

But a dental hygienist? David thinks this is not a real reason to reject somebody, but it just screams BOOOORING to me. What kind of 19-year-old aspires to clean people's teeth? I'm probably a big old meat-eating snot (not that big!!), but I like people who are curious about the world. I guess the mouth is like it's own little world, but it's a rather small one. But then again, here she is, wanting to be an au pair in America -- that's inquisitive, isn't it? Ugh. I don't know.

Candidate 3.0: Swiss. Chocolate!

I'm not feeling her. Is that reason enough to move on?

In other news, the twins of mischief stormed into the basement this past weekend and filled Julia's toilet with paper, flushed it, flushed it! flush! flush! flush!! FLUSH! until the water spilled down the hallway, where they retreated, laughing hysterically, until David squished them with the wet-vac.

No, he didn't squish them. What self-restraint.

"Josephine! Do you want a time-out?"

"YESH!"

Says Lucy: "Children are SUPPOSED to be naughty!"

Behind Door #1

We got our first application for next year's au pair today. How exciting!

Let's see...

She is Finnish. Fjords! Reindeer! +15
She has hair extensions. Hm. High maintenance?? -10
She does gymnastics. Oooh, Lulu loves gymnastics! +20
She is neat. Nice! We could use a little neat! +15

Ohhhh...weeell... Neat is one thing. But Candidate 1.0 writes that she super-cleaned her bedroom at Christmas. And now, because it's so lovely and tidy, she can't bear to sleep in it. Seriously. (Seriously???) She makes it clear: She has not slept in her room -- since Christmas! -- because she doesn't want to MESS IT UP.

Crazy?? -1,000

The developing world.

My favorite line from today's appointment with the development specialist:

"Margaret does well on tasks of her own choosing."

Ha! Does one usually hear terms of economics in these appointments? I'm speaking, of course, of "laissez-faire," the doctrine that opposes government interference beyond a minimum. It also describes Margaret's response to developmental assessments. My baby, the Libertarian...

Josephine, of course, did beautifully on all sorts of tasks: solving puzzles, block-stacking, identifying objects, drawing shapes. First she listens, then she studies the tasks at hand, and then she does it. And if she doesn't get it right, she persists. Go Feeny-weeny! It did not escape notice however that she has nervous habits.

Nervous habits! At age 2!