Mothers behaving badly

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming, my favorite show: "Good Mommas Gone Bad."

The first segment will feature the hippie-dippie mom who yanks her pre-schooler from the Waldorf school -- the Waldorf school! -- when a teacher tells the child that she can not push kids on the playroom. Protests mother, "She has a Constitutional right to push other children! This is not Guantanamo!" Next, mother announces plans to "unschool her child" (I swear to God, I have this on good authority, namely my friend Meg), which means she will not be forced like some kind of factory worker to show up on time, sit at a desk, and learn addition. You don't hardly need that anyway if you decide to pay for dental services with more genuine commodities, like whole-wheat bread.

Second segment: Sort of like the hippie-dippie mom, but more likely to wear leather, this segment features the wealthy suburban mother who wishes her nanny could be forced to work more hours because, goddamnit, she just doesn't know what to do with these kids and she's trying, really, to use what she learned in last month's parenting workshop... Set on a North Arlington playground, we watch as the suburban mother's son bops his friend in the head. The friend cries. The son sceams vindictively. The mother approaches and says to her little felon, "You sound frustrated." [Step one: Acknowledgment.] And then asks, "Do you want to tell me why?" [Step two: Supportive inquiry.]

Third segment: Mothers who think they're perfect, sit back and talk smack about their peers. The worst! (Note to producers: Make sure we get them with Miller Lite in hand. And the dirt on their children's faces!)