free hit counter Snacks, please!: Put back the pudding!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Put back the pudding!!

Safeway Stores, Inc.
Arlington, VA

March 9, 2009

Dear Ms. Fxxxxxx:

This letter should serve as formal notice that you have violated Safeway Stores, Inc., Customer Covenant Section XI, Children in Store(s), No. 3B, a nationwide store policy that restricts each adult (female) shopper to no more than two (2) children under the age of 5. (For obvious reasons, each adult male shopper may be accompanied by no more than one small child.)

Store manager #347 has reported that you have entered Safeway Stores, Inc., on at least six (6) occasions with three (3) small children. Surveillance cameras show these small children attempting to evacuate the shelves of all ice cream cones and Mylar ballons, and clinging to the sides of your grocery cart like giggling bats in a candy cave.

These policies exist for the safety of our youngest customers, and also to ensure a comfortable shopping experience for our older customers. When a fellow shopper approaches you to say, "Oh, my name is Margaret too!" you should wonder why she knows your child is named Margaret. Everybody in the store knows your child is named Margaret!! This Margaret should not be allowed into the dairy section.

Other things we all know:
Lucy waaaaants snow crabs!
The children do not, do not, do not like squash!
Your personal consumption is wine is really very moderate, all things considered.

We do appreciate your patronage. We do believe that your family is single-handedly propping up the strawberry syrup industry in America. We do understand that you spend roughly $1,000 a month in our store. (We would advise you to consider what you can do with beans.) But we must regretfully tell you that you will not be allowed admittance to Safeway Stores, Inc., with three (3) children again.

Sincerely,

Mr. Crabs
Safeway Stores, Inc.

2 Comments:

OpenID marymurtz said...

LOL!!!!!! Bats in a candy cave!

March 9, 2009 at 4:15 PM  
Anonymous Shelly C said...

Banning kids just won't work. Even without children, one could, hypothetically, still make a mess, say, spilling couscous all over a Whole Foods aisle floor, for example.
Of course, such things would not happen if said bulk bins were not over-filled...

March 10, 2009 at 10:32 AM  

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