From the rats
To: Fellow residents of Rat Hill
From: The Chief Rat (aka Plaguerist)
Re: The People
Bad news. They've found our burrows. Some of you may have heard the Man stomping across our yards Sunday, battering our doors with a stick. A stick! He could have poked an eye out! Certainly you heard the Woman shrieking. What a big mammal!
Let's get one thing clear: This is our property. We have no interest or inclination in returning it to human habitat. But if they're serious (and the Woman is our chief enemy, I believe), we must consider appropriate strategies to stop the incursion.
1) My cousin T-Bone reports that the Woman runs across his front yard every morning at 06:10 hours. Is the best defense a good offense? T requests permission to bite her ankle. (Pros: Hahaha! I can hear the screaming now! Cons: The screaming! We've got 262 rat babies in the burrows and they need their sleep.)
2) My second cousin (once removed) Rat Fink wants to kick his long-standing house guest to the curb. Comrade Osama, he says, takes up too much room in the burrows and refuses to share his grain. (Pros: Best distraction ever! Who worries about rats when you've got an international terrorist in your yard? Cons: Comrade Osama says he'll take us to Rat Paradise. No fleas and free peanut-butter toast!)
3) My uncle Ratticus Finch suggests you never really know a Person's point of view until you walk around in his skin. I believe that means we infiltrate the house, eat the Oreos, and swim laps in the toilet. (Pros: You heard me say Oreos, right? Cons: The Fat Cat lives there. Would she attempt to eat us?)
These represent the best thinking of the Department of Defense, but we're open to hearing new suggestions. For example, should we arrange for the delivery of Ratatouille? (Pros: Perhaps they would learn to like us! Cons: None of us actually cooks.) Or should we underline passages in Harry Potter about our magical cousin Scabbers?
Take heart, comrades. Although we certainly face trying times ahead, I am confident we will win. The People have dull teeth, no tails (!) and absolutely no ability to chew concrete. We are superior animals in every way.
From: The Chief Rat (aka Plaguerist)
Re: The People
Bad news. They've found our burrows. Some of you may have heard the Man stomping across our yards Sunday, battering our doors with a stick. A stick! He could have poked an eye out! Certainly you heard the Woman shrieking. What a big mammal!
Let's get one thing clear: This is our property. We have no interest or inclination in returning it to human habitat. But if they're serious (and the Woman is our chief enemy, I believe), we must consider appropriate strategies to stop the incursion.
1) My cousin T-Bone reports that the Woman runs across his front yard every morning at 06:10 hours. Is the best defense a good offense? T requests permission to bite her ankle. (Pros: Hahaha! I can hear the screaming now! Cons: The screaming! We've got 262 rat babies in the burrows and they need their sleep.)
2) My second cousin (once removed) Rat Fink wants to kick his long-standing house guest to the curb. Comrade Osama, he says, takes up too much room in the burrows and refuses to share his grain. (Pros: Best distraction ever! Who worries about rats when you've got an international terrorist in your yard? Cons: Comrade Osama says he'll take us to Rat Paradise. No fleas and free peanut-butter toast!)
3) My uncle Ratticus Finch suggests you never really know a Person's point of view until you walk around in his skin. I believe that means we infiltrate the house, eat the Oreos, and swim laps in the toilet. (Pros: You heard me say Oreos, right? Cons: The Fat Cat lives there. Would she attempt to eat us?)
These represent the best thinking of the Department of Defense, but we're open to hearing new suggestions. For example, should we arrange for the delivery of Ratatouille? (Pros: Perhaps they would learn to like us! Cons: None of us actually cooks.) Or should we underline passages in Harry Potter about our magical cousin Scabbers?
Take heart, comrades. Although we certainly face trying times ahead, I am confident we will win. The People have dull teeth, no tails (!) and absolutely no ability to chew concrete. We are superior animals in every way.
posted by Mary Ellen at
5:28 PM
4 Comments:
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Brilliant!
Last night I had to literally stomp my foot to get one off of our front walkway. I LIVE IN A VERY RITZY BUILDING! ;-)
P.S.--That Ratatouille propoganda actually works. My 2-year-old niece even calls it "Mouse-a-tooey." See how she's being desensitized?!
There are tons of them hopping around near the office at night. Michelle says it's the restaurants but I think they like our neighbors down the street.
Um, I really DON'T want to come over to your house now. You scare me with this rat talk.
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